La Douleur Exquise
by kktmn
Summary: La douleur exquise: The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have.  One-shot.  Quite evidently, I own none of the characters mentioned.


The old marble glistened gently as it caught the dim late afternoon sunlight. Hanabusa gazed distractedly at the light dancing on the surface of the marble nestled in his palm, too deep in thought to be disturbed by the irritating sunlight. He couldn't help but think of the last person who held the small sphere before he had reclaimed ownership of it.

It had been not so long after he had first met Kaname Kuran (recalling how he had acted towards the pureblood upon their first meeting made Hanabusa's stomach churn, he still found it hard to believe what a fool of himself he had made), he had been carrying out yet another experiment, assisted by Akastuki and Ruka, when Kaname had appeared, followed closely by a stone-faced guard or escort of some manner. Even then Kaname's majestic presence made Hanabusa somewhat of a nervous wreck, anxious of any possible flaws of any kind, so desperate to please the Kuran heir in any way he could. In his hasty agitated state Hanabusa foolishly dropped one of the marbles he was using in his experiment. Such a clumsy action, how had he let such a thing happen in Kaname's presence? He'd become engulfed in somewhat of a blind panic, unsure of how to change the topic quickly before he did anything else stupid. Before he could act Kaname's slender arm was outstretched towards Hanabusa, the now slightly chipped glass ball resting in his soft palm.

The memory brought a sad smile to Hanabusa's lips. He always managed to do something wrong when he was around Kaname, it was painful to think about. All he wanted was to see Kaname happy, to know that he'd done something right. He couldn't help wanting to blame it on his jealousy, it made him do and say such stupid things, things that clearly upset Kaname. Being slapped or yelled at by Kaname isn't what caused Hanabusa pain, it was knowing that he'd upset him. The majority of the time he didn't realise he was doing anything wrong. He couldn't help feeling envious of Yuki Cross. She made Kaname so happy, just by existing. Hanabusa had tried so hard for so long to please Kaname, yet she doesn't even have to speak or act, she just has to be there.

'_La douleur exquise'. _Such a short, simple phrase. Yet it summed up Hanabusa's situation perfectly.

Hanabusa wasn't to sure how long he'd been absorbed in his thoughts, but the sun had long since set and Akatsuki had left not long after throwing a few worried glances Hanabusa's way. Three sharp raps on the door caused the young aristocrat to jolt upright and turn wide-eyed towards the door. Before he could even ask who had disturbed him Kaname slipped through the door, gently closing it behind him "Please, do come in…" Hanabusa muttered, sounding nowhere near as bitter as he had aimed. Kaname leaned again the end of the grand four-poster bed and looked towards the younger vampire with a moderately concerned expression "You're acting strange lately. Everyone is starting to worry about you." he muttered. There was an uncomfortable pause as Kaname awaited a response, but Hanabusa's only reaction was a series of desperate blinks to rid his eyes of the small tears forming at their corners. "Kain said you didn't sleep all day" he continued "That's unlike you. Ichijo has told us before that you're far from fond of sunlight" the dark-haired pureblood perched on the end of the bed and leaned forwards towards Hanabusa, who pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them, averting his eyes from Kaname's threatening stare. "Aido, what's bothering you so much it's driven you to stay up all day and shut yourself away all night?" there was a painfully long silence before Hanabusa returned Kaname's gaze "I-it's… it's you, K-Kaname-sama" he stuttered before burying his face in his arms and pulling his knees closer to his chest, instantly regretting admitting his feelings, worried that Kaname would take his words the wrong way. The marble that had been clutched in Hanabusa's fist fell from his grasp and landed on the bed sheets next to his foot. The bright sphere caught Kaname's eye as he looked over at the figure of his usually perky 'right-hand man'. "You kept this all these years?" he asked as he pried the familiar object from next to Hanabusa's rigid frame, studying it curiously "I-I…" Hanabusa stuttered to find a reasonable excuse as he rose his head to see what Kaname had found. "I understand. You've told me how you feel." Hanabusa stared blankly up at Kaname, his cheeks coated in shiny tears. "You have some curious ways of expressing your love for people" Kaname muttered. Hanabusa threw himself at Kaname's feet, fresh tears dampening the bed sheets as he pleaded "I'm sorry! I should have kept my feelings to myself from the beginning, I don't want to come between you and Yuki, but at the same time, I do, I want to make you as happy as she does, I want you to look at me as affectionately you do her, I'm sorry, Kaname-sama! It's not my place to say such things , but I-" Hanabusa was stopped abruptly by Kaname as he grabbed him by the collar of his shirt so that he could drag the now-puffy-eyed vampire upright and strike him sharply across the face "Don't try to blame yourself. You can't help the way you feel. As for Yuki, the time isn't yet right to explain that." Hanabusa nodded, still rubbing the spot where Kaname had struck him "Y-yes, Kaname-sama" he mumbled as he turned away, ashamed of having acted so childishly. As Kaname rose to leave Hanabusa lay back on his bed, three words repeating in his head, _'La douleur exquise'_.

**NOTE: **_I do not own any of the characters, and the flashback (second paragraph) is taken from the anime, therefore, I do not, nor do I claim to own that, either._


End file.
